Fragmented parts of me hold on to the pain,
Puzzled pieces capture the passion,
Yet, I am once again putting myself in the shoes of the ‘other girl’ – I’m allowing myself to be used because I’m falling for him and it’s hurting me so much knowing that to him I am ‘nothing’ to him I am just ‘anybody’ and that truly hurts.
Faltering because I love the closeness.
I just wish I was able to reach out and hold his hand when I wanted and not have to wait for these moments in between. Moments where it doesn’t even matter if I am myself, because I could be anyone. It doesn’t matter what I’m wearing, it doesn’t really make a difference.
I’m still me.
I’m still being used.
I’m not being treated with respect.
I’m not being honest with myself and that is the worst thing.
I owe it to myself to do something good.
Instead of the endless need I have for his kisses could I not want the kisses of someone who truly loves me? Can I not hold out and wait for someone that is so devoted and so willing to love me.
Can I just take a step back out of my body,
And into my soul.
I want to feel loved and I want to feel needed.
But right now it’s not me.
I could be floating above myself and watching the motions, seeing the sexual encounters and then in the back of my head am I smiling or am I crying?
Am I doing this purely because I’m scared to be alone.
Yes.
I crave the attention of these moments and I admit that to myself.
I wish I could stop falling.
It hurts, it’s hurting.
My heart is no longer within me but it’s apart of my soul, and they’re dissolving slowly.
© Amara Hope Melechi
amarahopemelechi 